Letchman’s Weblog

Where am I going? January 9, 2008

Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and importance, although difficult, is the highroad to pride, self-esteem, and personal satisfaction. – Margaret Thatcher

I find this quote to be one of my favorite quotes. Not sure exactly why, but I think that it has to do with how I carry myself these days. Lately, I’ve noticed that I find myself keeping silent about what is going in my life. I want to so desperately speak out on things that are bothering me, but I think that it’s something that will get me nowhere.

My week has begun on a fairly bad note. It is like a sharp note, when I would rather it just being off key and not sharp. I start with my Saturday. It was pretty uneventful until the end of my evening hanging with some friends. You know, getting a tad tipsy and all that is not bad, and I had a very good time hanging out with them. But at the end of the night, several were going to go get some food and just visit. I got un-invited from a person hanging out with them that does not know me from Adam. No one stuck up for me, at least in front of me. I feel like I’m used when it comes to that… I can put different people in our community that normally don’t talk to one another, and then I get cut out. I felt like it was a repeat of several years ago. I won’t go into that now, and doubt I will dwell on it much unless I feel that I’m letting Saturday’s events tear me apart.

Sunday comes, and it’s BOWLING baby! You know, I love my friends at bowling and several I hang out with on a regular basis as well. But it felt like you could cut the tension with a knife when I walked in. I guess some of the team was hoping I would not be there. I took one of our team members up there and what am I supposed to do? Go spend money at the Apple store that I don’t have just because I’m down and out and need some therapy shopping? Sorry don’t think so. I mustered it up through bowling not before having another buddy kind of question the mood I was in, and that upset me more.

So we roll into Monday… I get to work, and have an email in my inbox. It’s from my supervisor, ‘I need to meet with you for five minutes when you get in, clock into meeting and meet me at my desk.’ So I go do that, and well got pulled into a conference room and handed a stack of reports. It is an attendance report detailing every thing down to the second! I also see that on the top of it is a letter, stating ‘notification of corrective counseling action taken.’ Yes people, I got wrote up… Apparently they decided to nit pick my attendance down to mere seconds over the past six months. I just smiled signed the memo and carried on.

I’m not sure where I’m going with all this other to say that I seem to do a lot of self discipline any more when it comes to my feelings. I guess I say all this in my blog because I’m thinking I’ve got to figure out where to strike the balance between speaking my mind, and becoming the drone to a life that I let others lead for me. Maybe that’s why I like the quote, doing what I am doing may ultimately end up with a higher sense of pride, better self-esteem, and some overall satisfaction on where I am going.